Reflections

Shattered mirror on the floor, against the wall
Crumpled memories all around
Connected by a common thread
Too far gone to fix
Too far gone to focus
Jumping from one pile of remnants to another
No connection, only assumptions
No clear picture

First In Flight

You make it to the top of the mountain and you want to stay there.  You hope the descent isn't to steep on the other side. Most of the time you reach the top only to realize there is another peak towering over you.  I was able to reach one of my professional goals recently.  Partly out luck, but mostly it was determination and hard work. But like any good challenge there are a lot of small challenges along the way.  Or at least that's the way I approach it.  Somewhere along the way someone asked how you eat an elephant?  The answer is  one bite at a time.  Same lesson I learned from running, put one foot in front of the other and carry on. Keep your eye on the prize, and go for it.

One of the final challenges along the way was my fear of flying, and guess what I had to fly to the destination.  I wasn't going to let that get in the way of reaching  my goal.  So I set off into the darkness, I knew nothing about flying or preparing for air travel, I had never even been to an airport.  I pick a parking lot and luckily look up as I'm leaving the lot to see that it was O3 and wrote it down.  After wandering the lot at another event, I decided to remember locations.  Then I hopped a shuttle bus to the terminal.  I get out there and realize I didn't plan the next step. I finally ask a couple of NSA uniformed people where I needed to go.  They pointed me in the right direction. I then jump through the rest of the hoops and eventually board the plane.  We taxi and pick up speed.  I assume we are going to go into hyperdrive eventually like the Mellinium Falcon and I will be plastered to the back of my seat.  I eventually look out the window and we are above the clouds.  No Mach 3, no going straight up space shuttle style, no nothing.  I like analogies and the best comparison I can come with is a bus ride. Big Whoop!  I have a fear of heights so I requested an aisle seat, another mistake.  The guy next to me is the Area Person over LP so he is not exactly a friendly face.  In between us is an empty seat.  To survive take off I plug in Jay Mohr and listen to one of his podcast, like I would on my normal commute.  Another trick I learned along the way is to reduce the brain's workload and make things as normal as possible, cut back on the new stuff to process.  The sun is on our side of  the plane so most of the shades are down around me, so I really can't see out.  I finally ask Mr. Suit when we start to descend  if he'll take a picture for me, that way I can prove I did it and didn't just rent a car and drive to Florida.  It turned out to be a pretty cool pic over the wing. It's not really my pic though cause I never really saw the view myself.  It's like me stealing one of your memories and calling it one of my own.  We land and make our way through the maze of the airport to collect our baggage and board a shuttle bus to the hotel.

I started this blog to discuss the different speeds in which our minds seem to measure time and distance.  Air travel gave me a whole new conundrum,  I had been to Florida twice before this trip. The first time I was a passenger in a car and the second time I drove the entire trip.  Those are long days in the car.  Air travel changed all that. Until we went to Universal for a few hrs, it never seemed like I was in Florida.  So instead of finding a way of slowing down the world, I sped it up. 2014 has been that way more often than not. I changed stores and whatever comfort zones and safe routines I had went out the window.  It's all been new and fast paced. It's like I reached the peak and continued over the mountain gaining momentum down the other side.  I have to find a way to transition this energy into climbing the next peak without crashing off the cliff.

Candy and nuts

It's increasingly difficult to slow down life. Too many forces pulling you in too many directions.  I got an opportunity this week however. We took a week off work and loaded the kids up and went to our safehaven.  The one without all life's constant reminders laying around.  It gives you a moment to take your foot off the gas and coast for a minute.  This week is also our wedding anniversary and my youngest daughter's birthday. This causes reflection on the past.  The ups and downs of two lives intercepted and spliced permanately together as well as how did our children grow up so fast. The realization that such times together are now numbered without the intrusion of others.

I appreciate my wife and love her dearly.  I don't think I had any idea what we were in for or what the outcome would be.  We decided to form a parental partnership as opposed to the more traditional route to marital bliss.  I knew I loved her and I knew I hadn't felt this kind of love before.  I'm pretty sure my wife felt the same way.  We just decided to put it all on fast foward. I had to learn quickly how to be a husband and a father, ironically, two roles I knew very little about. I probably still don't know a lot about either one, but I try my damnest to be the best I can.  I'm not sure the traditional route would have gotten me here either. There were too many roadblocks in the way that would have slowed or prevented that from happening smoothly.  We have learned a lot over the last fourteen years. A lot about being parents, spouses, a lot about us, a lot about each other.  One thing
I have found out is that so many of the missing peices in my life and questions I have had about life have been filled in my this relationship with my wife and our children.  It's amazing.  The last real memory of having a dad myself was my fifth birthday. Then came a period of 25 years of questions that I had no answers for. Questions about being a man; a father, a husband, questions about life in geneal. The last fourteen years have provided me a lot of answers for these questions and for this I am greatfull.  My wife and kids probably don't understand, but in a lot of ways it went back full circle and gave me a chance to redo a lot of my life.

Futile Defense

You  work to build this beautiful castle.  The walls are straight and strong.  The protective moat is deep and wide.  The hours spent making this fortress grow as does the pride and satisfaction of how it's turning out.  But you know the enemy is lurking nearby.  He is ready to pounce at any moment.  You have tried to place the castle out of enemy territory, but the reality is he has no boundaries.  He is a force of nature.  As the waves of enemy attackers approach, you can only hope to make reinforcements.  Yet the enemy marches on. Closer and closer.  Until the first rouge wave of enemy attackers breach your outer wall.  This is only the beginning.  Ones the support structure is compromised the whole thing is in jeopardy.  All your work, your pride and joy has been destroyed beyond recognition.

You build your life, a beautiful strong castle.  However your pride and joy eventually looses the battle against time and the elements. If your support structure becomes weak thrn the whole thing can crumble around you without warning.  Leaving you staring at unrecognizable ruins and cursing the angry sea that took your kingdom from you.

Guess Who?

A big part of my life is playing charades.  There is a bright light behind this object, which is behind a curtain. My job is to replicate this object on paper.  The challenge is my perspective keeps changing and top of that the light keeps moving so the shadows it projects keep changing.  But my job remains the same.  So essentially I am chasing my tail in circles.  But ultimately I realize the task is futile.  I can't copy something that is not me.  I may have similar characteristics, similar DNA, but I am not the same as those before me.  Nor should I want to be.  Instead I embrace who I am, and where I come from.  I don't look outward to find who I am, but I must look inward.  Yeah there are bits and pieces on the outside but the true self lies on the inside.  Once this is discovered and nurtured it can grow and succeed.